It’s been maybe 5 years since I’ve last seen you but I can’t help but want to follow your life. Even though looking at your pictures makes me remember the past and part of me just wants to let everything out and cry I just can’t help but wonder how you are doing and if your life is ok. It took a long time to get over you and till now I’m not exactly trusting any person that passes me by. You were such a big part of my life for so long that I want to be friends again but I know if I were to see you in person I’m sure that I would be quite the nervous wreck. In all honesty I want to ask for all of our old pictures but I’m not the most confrontational person in the universe. Maybe this is just a learning experience that I just need to get over so that one day I can say “hey remember a long time ago when we were young and we did wild things together I found our old pictures together”. A part of me will always love you and a part of me just wishes that it never happened but in the end there really can’t be any regrets from the experience that I have gained and learned.

I’m starting to blog again? I feel like it makes more sense to have my own venting space for freedom. Yet, I distinctly remember all of the years on LJ and Myspace causing me so much mischief. Things like this always end up as double-edged swords yet somehow I don’t see myself keeping away. I think it’s rather cool how much this site has changed I remember when it first came out and how my friend said join this asap its going to be huge! I started blogging on here and kind of forgot about it. I’m here now though! I think it will just be an excuse to start every blog with Is is weird that?

Since I’m a complicated person I freaked out today so this place is a mess. I’ll fix it when I decide I’m not complicated

I woke up not having to turn off my alarm clock for once. It was lovely. Today I started a new workout regiment that I found online. I can already feel the burn my body is sore from the lifting. I never realized that I was this weak until today. I’m growing a beard. It gets itchy from time to time. I’m starting to kind of like it but I know I will end up shaving it off. My goal by summer time is when my friend thomas gets back we get new tattoos. So I’m doing my best to workout like crazy. I’ve already lost ten pounds. I’m very proud of myself. I want to get rid of these high digit numbers to a safe medium. I’m going to do some cardio in a bit and eat some cereal .

It’s lent and I’m working hard to avoid animal products. It’s very hard from abstaining food and keeping in prayer and really studying. I didn’t know it would be this hard.

It’s nights like these where you spend too much time thing and regretting memories and feel like you should cry or do something just to make you forget everything. I think I’ll sip on my drink and ponder all lifes questions and look at my good and wonder about the world around him.

Good moments for the past few weeks:

Ates came down each week

Halloween was epic

I didn’t puke during halloween

Speed Racer complete seasons on dvd

Have a new house to move in

Saw a bunch of new movies

Became friends with old friends and even made a couple of new ones

Bad Moments for this past few weeks:

Lost my awesome wallet

Had to get new cards

Driver’s side mirror was destroyed with no note of who did it

Gained weight ( its going to take forever to get to 150 again )

I have to pay for things :(

I’m still looking for a job

I have had a fun couple of weeks even with the negativity hopefully things will brighten up especially for my birthday

I’m having trouble sleeping again. I’m not really sure why. I’m beginning to question my own sanity. I wonder why sometimes I can write on a random blog but I can’t even finish my own book. I like being random I hate the lack of organization in my life! I have a lot of issues and I still can’t get myself together. It’s annoying I discovered there is a spell checker function on  here right now that was pretty damn satisfying. anyways another random rambling.

• God’s providence.

“Do not wish for everything to be done according to your determination, but wish that it is how it should be, and in this way, you will attain peace with everyone. And believe that everything that happens to us, even the most insignificant, occurs through God’s Providence. Then you will be able to endure everything that comes upon you without any agitation.”

• Yearning toward goodness.

11. Everyone that desires salvation must not only avoid evil, but is obliged to do good, just as it says in the Psalm: “Depart from evil and do good” (Psalm 34:14). For example, if somebody was angry, he must not only not get angry, but also become meek; if somebody was proud, he must not only refrain from being proud but also become humble. Thus, every passion has an opposing virtue: pride — humility, stinginess — charity, lust — chastity, faintheartedness — patience, anger — meekness, hatred — love.

• Struggles with deficiencies.

21. Who resembles a person who satisfies his passions? He is like a person who, after being struck down with his enemy’s arrows, then takes them with his hands and pierces his own heart with them. He who opposes passions is like a person that is showered with his enemy’s arrows, but remains untouched because he is dressed in steel. One who has eradicated his passions, is like a person that although under a torrent of arrows, either shatters them or returns them into the hearts of his enemies — just as the Psalm states: “Their sword shall enter their own heart, and their bows shall be broken” (Psalm 37:15).

• Guarding the conscience.

23. When God created man, He planted something divine into him — a certain conception — a spark that has both light and warmth. The conception that enlightens the mind and indicates what is right and what is wrong is called conscience. Conscience is a natural law. Living in times before any written law, patriarchs and saints pleased God by following the voice of their conscience.

• Temperance, meekness.

24. Not only should we observe moderation with food, but we must also abstain from every other sin so that just as we fast with our stomach, we should fast with our tongue. Likewise, we should fast with our eyes i.e. not look at agitating things, not allow your eyes freedom to roam, not to look shamelessly and without fear. Similarly, arms and legs should be restrained from doing any evil acts.

27. It is impossible for anyone to get angry with his neighbor without initially raising himself above him, belittling him and then regarding himself higher than the neighbor.

• Sorrows and God’s Providence.

24. When we suffer something unpleasant from our best friend, we know that he did not do it intentionally and that he loves us. We must think likewise of God, Who created us, for our sake incarnated, and died for our sake having endured enormous suffering. We must remind ourselves that He does everything from His goodness and from His love for us. We may think that while our friend loves us, in not having sufficient good sense in order to do everything correctly, he therefore involuntarily hurt us. This cannot be said of God because He is the highest wisdom. He knows what is good for us and accordingly, directs everything for our benefit, even in the smallest things. It can also be said that although our friend loves us and is sufficiently sensible, he is powerless to help us. But this certainly cannot be said of God, because to Him everything is possible and nothing is difficult for Him. Consequently, we know that God loves us and shows clemency toward us, that He is eternally wise and omnipotent. Everything that He does, He does for our benefit, and we should accept it with gratitude as from a Benefactor, even though it may appear to be grievous.

• Attaining spiritual peace.

29. Let us examine as to why a person sometimes gets annoyed when he hears an insult, and other times he endures it without getting agitated. What is the reason for this contrast? And is there one reason or are there several? There are several reasons, although they are all born from a main one. Sometimes it happens that after praying or completing a benevolent exercise, the person finds himself in a kind spiritual disposition and therefore, is amenable to his brother and doesn’t get annoyed over his words. It also happens that a person is partial to another, and as a consequence, endures without any annoyance, everything that the individual inflicts upon him. It also happens that a person may despise the individual who wants to insult him, and therefore ignores him.

• Humility, vile thoughts. Humility.

31. Know that if a person is oppressed by some thought and he does not confess it (to his spiritual father), he will give the thought more power to oppose and torment him. If the person confesses the oppressive thought, if he opposes and struggles with it, instilling into himself the desire for the opposite to the thought, then the passion will weaken and will eventually cease to plague him. Thus with time, in committing himself and receiving assistance from God, that person will conquer the passion itself.

• Love towards your neighbor.

44. I heard of one person that when he came to one of his friends and found the room in disarray and even dirty, he would say to himself: “Blessed is this person, because having deferred his concerns for earthly cares, he has concentrated his mind that much toward Heaven, that he doesn’t even have time to tidy up his room.” But when he came to another friend’s place and found his room tidy and neat, he would say to himself; “The soul of this person is as clean as his room, and the condition of the room speaks of his soul.” And he never judged another that he was negligent or proud, but through his kind disposition, saw good in everyone and received benefits from everyone. May the good Lord grant us the same kind disposition, so that we too may receive benefits from everyone and so that we never notice the failings of others.